A Decent Ride by Irvine Welsh

Author:Irvine Welsh [Welsh, Irvine]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Tags: Fiction, General, Humorous
ISBN: 9781473520974
Google: AZ1-BAAAQBAJ
Amazon: 0224102184
Publisher: Random House
Published: 2015-04-15T23:00:00+00:00

31

GOING MCNUGGETS

‘PENICUIK IS AWFAY great, ah’ve goat muh ma, ah’ve goat ma mates.’ That wis a poem ah once wrote, back at the skill. It’s sort ay no true but, cause ah dinnae really huv that many mates in the Cuik, cause they ey took the pish. Aye sure, that they did. N Gorgie’s gittin the same. Even worse thin Penicuik, if the truth be telt. Thaire’s no a place as bad as that Pub Wi Nae Name in Penicuik. No sur, there is not!

Cause at least here ah’ve goat muh ma n muh sister. Whereas in Gorgie thaire’s jist Hank, but he’s goat ehs ain faimlay now. Ah ken eh’s no goat any bairns, but ye huv tae count Morag. Aye sur, ain faimlay, that’s what ah sais tae Hank, ah sais, ‘Yuv goat yir ain faimlay now.’ Aye, ah’ve goat Karen n muh ma, even if thir baith gittin awfay fat.

So ah’m back at the auld hoose, in the front room, n Karen’s sittin back in thon chair wi her cookies. She’s pit two sausage rolls in the microwave, aye she hus that. Thaire’s a smell in the hoose, the yin that ah like tae call the smell ay washin n soup. — Well, ah think she’s jist away n left ye for good, Jonty. Ye kent it wis gaunny happen sooner or later, wi a lassie like Jinty. Flighty. It wis ey bound tae happen.

— Bound tae, ah goes.

— Flighty, that’s Jinty. Ye deserve better, pal.

Ah keep hur phone oan ays still. It goes oaf sometimes but ye kin see the names come up, like ANGIE n that, n ah ignores it. But this time it’s ma phone that’s gaun in ma poakit, no Jinty’s. It’s Raymond Gittings; ah kent it wis him cause ehs name came up. Aye, it’s barry how thair names come up now so ye ken whae it is, aye sur, ye dae that. Ah jist ignore thum aw oan Jinty’s phone; Maggie, April, Fiona B, Fiona C, Angie, ah jist lit thum aw run tae voicemail n leave thair message. Then ah play back the messages hudin the phone tae Jinty’s cauld ear, soas the guid Lord in the sky’ll ken thit ah’m no listenin intae hur business.

But this time it’s ma phone thit’s ringin n it’s Raymond. — Raymond, ah kent it wis you, wi the caller ID, that ah did. Saw yir name n ah goes: that’ll be Raymond.

— Aye, Jonty, yon caller ID it’s a barry thing right enough!

— Is it no though, Raymond! Caller ID!

— Listen, ah’ve goat a wee joab for ye. Couple ay housin association flats doon the Inch. Smoke damage, Jonty. Ah’m doon thaire right now, ma wee pal. Goat ledders, spare overalls, the lot. Ah really need a hand but, Jonty. Ah ken ye go by Shanks pony n Lothian Regional Transport, but when kin ye git yirsel doon here?

— Ah kin be thaire in an ooir, sur! Ah sur, an ooir!

— Kent ah could rely oan ye, Jonty boy! See ye in an ooir, 61 Inchview Gairdins.

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